I just finished cleaning my room and my god it was worth it.

I recently discovered Marie Kondo and her simple yet effective way of cleaning entire houses.

We start by throwing away all the shit that no longer makes us happy.

It’s crazy how such a simple is so powerful because throughout our lives we become attached to so many material objects. We then get so used to having those things that living without them seems unimaginable, even if they make us unhappy.

In my case, I’ve been accumulating items since my Freshmen year of college. Throwing a lot of them out cleared up an insane amount of space in my dorm room. I’ve even filled a donation box with gently used goods for local homeless shelters (my area has a really bad homeless problem).

My room feels so much lighter, as if the space can breathe again. Now, what I really want is some artwork and decor that “sparks joy” in my life. That would be nice.

The older I get, the more I realize how fucked up my brain is for reasons that are too complicated for a single blog post to discuss. Instead, here are 4 qualities of either myself or this world that I want to become strong enough to move past.

1. My poor self-esteem. For as long as I can remember, I have always disliked myself. Even now, part of me still believes that I do not deserve love because there is something inherently wrong with me.
2. My Fear of failure. I’m afraid of making mistakes. I’m afraid they’ll make me a bad person. I’m afraid of admitting failure because I don’t want people (*cough*my mother*cough*) to yell at me. It’s a childhood thing.
3. Micromanaging parents. Speaking of my mother, I want to overcome my childhood of having my life completely controlled by other people to the point where I lost my sense of self.
4. My regrets. I regret not majoring in computer science because then I could make so much more money upon graduating. I regret not majoring in digital arts and sciences because that’s where my true passion lies. I regret not attending Wellesley College because that was my first choice school and because I received a priority acceptance. I regret letting so many other people control my life.

My story…..what is my story?

Even now, I don’t know where to start.

I started this blog on a whim.

I woke up incredibly anxious this morning before talking to some people. The people helped a little, the anxiousness got better, but afterword I flatlined like a dying heartbeat monitor. It was like the energy had been sucked away from my body and suddenly I wanted nothing.

“I never intended for it to turn out this way.”

Everyone wants to say that, blame their problems on blind ignorance or a cruel master when in reality they are also somewhat to blame for their misfortunes.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. That much is certain.

I have spent so much of my life fixated on the happiness of other people to the point where I don’t know what it means to “live for myself”.

So please, don’t tell me that.

I’m just so scared about everything.

I’m afraid that I’m never going to make it.

I’m afraid that everyone’s going to leave me.

I just want to start over. Go back in time and tell myself how important my voice is in everything.

I just want to be asleep.

I started this blog because I had a terrible, unproductive, depressing day and I want to forget it ever happened.

The purpose of this blog is to give me a space to vent out my feelings in the privacy of my own home. It probably won’t update frequently.

To be honest, I’ll be very surprised if you continue reading past post 3 or so because I have no idea what I’m doing.

Have fun I guess?